Untangling Desire

I used to think it was bad to desire or yearn for support or accolades. 

That it was cringey, egotistical.

But I did yearn…

The “church” guided me to minimize that yearning. To cast it aside.  Dissociate really. 

Even the spiritual community and Buddhists said the same, “Kill the ego”.

One can’t be hurt if one disassociates with its inner yearnings. 

But I found 

that I’m strong enough to hold the hand of discomfort and lack. That I can honor it, purify it.

And that desire and purpose are intimately connected. When bound, they are good,

Magnificent actually.

But sin, can take a true inner calling and corrupt it.

I check the heart.

What is the motivator?

We aren’t to love our life or the approval of others so much that we resist, or refuse the flow of God. Or that we hold back from bearing our souls to one another because fear of the potential 

for change, 

judgment, 

hate. 

That’s why “love God” remains 1st of the commands. Before others and self.

The holiest of holy is honored from within by outward action, expression. By the genuine but complex heart beats of faith. Given to each one in accordance with their giftings.

But the pure beauty of this inner calling is so easily corrupted. Battered with traps of fighting to be seen for worthless things the world claims hold value. 

Or the trap of stepping on another’s toes to ascend, Minimizing them- thinking there isn’t enough space for us each to hold our own intrinsic worth and relevance. 

But the ease and pure grace with which this value is given,

Is astounding in its magnitude.

Intrinsically entangled within the very spirit of life. Ever searching, understanding. Loving its pieces into infinity. 

Consistently aligning & re-aligning purpose & desire to meet with the Holy breath that honors God, self, and others.

That burns away the corrupt versions and instead desires with 

a childlike purity.

When I listen, act with a humble yearning to understand and be understood. See & be seen genuinely. The spirit inside, Thanks me.

Dances for me.

Even if my social feedback fails, my heart, in its fullness, is known by the one that sees all.

My God.

Who see every attempt to understand and bring forth the brilliant light he shows me.

So I pondered,

What brings forth the light? Sitting down and shutting up? Scared to fail or say the wrong thing and come off cringey? Pretend I don’t desire to be heard or valued? 

Or 

Standing and proclaiming? Stepping into what is possible in this endless, infinite love he has to share with me.. With everyone…

I think of Jesus, as he shouted to Jerusalem.

““Jerusalem, Jerusalem! She who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her. How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!” Luke‬ ‭13‬:‭34‬ 

So I let my broken pieces be gathered. Ripped, bitten bits of flesh, death’s gift to my growing consciousness. 

He pieced me back together. Nailed my rotting body to his own.

But it’s through the wound that the light can pour out of. Jagged scars of gold. Where death is met with love.

Like living water, flowing to where it’s not resisted any longer.

If I listen to the heart of the ones with me, Some streaked in gold, others nursing their own wounds of pus and atrophied flesh, Perhaps, If I’m not afraid to touch the open sores… Perhaps the crystal waters that mended mine will overflow from my portion.

If I am willing to hear the differences of perspectives, the wisdom that exists between the inner worlds. Submitting to understanding with a yearning to see and be seen authentically,

Then I am a thread in divine orchestra. Harmonizing the groans. Reverberating with the power of the symphony.

The symphony

that calls

The bridegroom.

That calls Heaven

to Earth.

——————————————

Photographer: @Melissa Kelly 🤍

#ego#egodeath#dissociation#christianity#desire#goals#cringe#selflove#truth#authetic#poetry#poem#poetrytok#poet#prophetic#wordsofwisdom 

Scriptural references:

“Pray like this: ‘Our Beloved Father, dwelling in the heavenly realms, may the glory of your name be the center on which our lives turn. Manifest your kingdom realm, and cause your every purpose to be fulfilled on earth, just as it is in heaven.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭9‬-‭10‬ ‭TPT‬‬

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.” Psalm‬ ‭23‬:‭4‬-‭5‬ ‭KJV‬‬

“Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us?”

‭‭James‬ ‭4‬:‭5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭6‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me.”

‭‭Song of Songs‬ ‭7‬:‭10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“May He give you what your heart desires and fulfill your whole purpose.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭20‬:‭4‬ ‭

“For it is God who is working in you, enabling you both to desire and to work out His good purpose.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭2‬:‭13‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

““You are the light of the world. A city situated on a hill cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and puts it under a basket, but rather on a lampstand, and it gives light for all who are in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭14‬-‭16‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

“You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭18‬:‭28‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“The Lord is my light and my salvation — whom should I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life — of whom should I be afraid? I am certain that I will see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭27‬:‭1‬, ‭13‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

“For in a visitation of the night you inspected my heart and refined my soul in fire until nothing vile was found in me. I will not sin with my words.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭17‬:‭3‬ ‭TPT‬‬

“Jesus answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and the most important commandment. The second most important commandment is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭22‬:‭37‬-‭39‬ ‭GNT‬‬

“Our great desire is that you will keep on loving others as long as life lasts, in order to make certain that what you hope for will come true. Then you will not become spiritually dull and indifferent. Instead, you will follow the example of those who are going to inherit God’s promises because of their faith and endurance.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭6‬:‭11‬-‭12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“But one of the soldiers pierced His side with a spear, and at once blood and water came out.”

‭‭John‬ ‭19‬:‭34‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

“But He was pierced because of our transgressions, crushed because of our iniquities; punishment for our peace was on Him, and we are healed by His wounds.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭53‬:‭5‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

“Then he showed me the river of living water, sparkling like crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the broad street of the city. The tree of life was on both sides of the river, bearing 12 kinds of fruit, producing its fruit every month. The leaves of the tree are for healing the nations, and there will no longer be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and His slaves will serve Him. They will see His face, and His name will be on their foreheads. Night will no longer exist, and people will not need lamplight or sunlight, because the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign forever and ever.”

‭‭Revelation‬ ‭22‬:‭1‬-‭5‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

“For since we have become one with him in dying as he did, in the same way we shall be one with him by being raised to life as he was.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭6‬:‭5‬ ‭GNT‬‬

“Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.””

‭‭John‬ ‭7‬:‭38‬ ‭NIV‬‬